I wanted to write a post about the times that it has not been OK, the past year. I spend most of my time looking for the beautiful angles of life, to share on here and my Instagram. However, the past year has been a lot of things but I will struggle to call it beautiful for me.
Sharing this post now is important, as I know that many people struggle during the holiday season. Sitting and scrolling through people’s ‘perfect’ lives on social media does not help the feeling of loneliness, anxiety and fear. I just wanted to raise awareness, or at least try to do so, and remind everyone that social media is a curated view of life. I only aim to share beautiful images and videos on my channels , because I want to focus on the beauty of this world. That is not to say that I walk on rainbows day to day.
Some people may question, why would I want to write about all this on here. I think it is important to share reality and self reflection from time to time, as well as beauty. I also wish, there were more articles like this, that I could have stumbled upon, this past year.
2018 has been stressful, I have felt on edge most of it. There were a lot of challenges and ‘me’ time has been scarce. So much so, that I have worked for 21 days in a row non stop at some point. Between my full time job, Instagram and blogging I got myself 2 full time jobs both demanding more than the time, a day could give. I spiralled into a work non stop mode, ignored everything to do with my own self and then I cracked. because everything has a limit in this life, and I think I reached mine about summer time 2018. I felt extremely distant from everything and everyone, as well as myself. Not acknowledging that I have a problem kept me going, as you know what they say ‘ignorance is bliss’. Until one day, I was filming a video for Instagram and realised that my face and neck were swollen, I looked like a puffer fish.
Unwillingly I called the doctor, after putting it off for a few more weeks because I thought it would just go away but it damn did not. When I went for my checks, they had to draw 11 jars of blood. I got told that a hormone, called ‘prolactin’ that was produced in the brain, is about 16 times higher than what it should be. The doctor said I need to take a chill pill (literally btw) and calm the f**k down, if I wanted to stop swelling and get back to feeling myself again. Did I listen? I tried, but it took me months to slow down and take care of things, and start understanding the signs my body was giving me. To end the year, I also had a small surgery of a cyst in my upper jaw, which once again is another thing I ignored for a good chunk of time.
While all this was happening, I did feel very distant from everything. I was constantly anxious, I also did not want to talk about it because I felt that saying one more word about something not being right, to my friends, would really drive them over the edge with me. Looking back, I know it would not have, because that is what friends are for. However in the moment, I just felt there was nobody.
The reason I am writing all this, is because you are never alone. I have since opened up about these topics and feelings, as I have realised how many of us go through the same things but just do not talk about them. The older we get, the more we internalise, trying to be strong, not show vulnerability and not even acknowledge the issues that burden us every single day. We think everyone else has a perfect life, white picket fence house, or the penthouse on top of the world (or whatever perfect life is, nowadays anyway), however we never see behind closed doors, because even our closest friends, won’t let us in in there sometimes.
So, 2018 has been a piece of work for me, it has been a journey of getting to know myself on a whole new level. Whatever you are feeling, you do not need to justify, just know there are always people who are there to help, talk to and support you. Even if it is sitting silently together. Enjoy social media for what it is meant to be, showcasing curated beauty of places but do not look at it, as a representation of people’s lives because it truly is far from it. I hope we leave at least a part of anxiety and fear in 2018, and look to a better 2019.
If you reached that far, thank you for reading, and I hope it helps knowing, you are never alone.